The Last Living Detective Read online

  The leader outstretched his hand to calm his angry companion, “Now now, Shaun. This poor benighted stook be ignorant of our ways is all. Let us conclude our business like gentlefolk.” He then turned to me and smiled. “Gold. It’s gold we be after. Got any?”

  “No,” I told him.

  His three comrades quickly pinned me against the alley wall as their leader shouted, “Search him, fellas. Watches, rings, necklaces, anything that be that lovely gold.” I struggled against the three green clad undead but to no avail. After a rough but thorough pat down, my lie was soon discovered. “There be something here, Patty,” one of the henchmen said as he extracted the ring from my shirt pocket.

  Their leader reached over and took the trinket from his comrade’s hand. Holding it up to the moonlight, he laughed gleefully. “Now this be gold! Gold!” With his comrades cheering him on, the elated leprechaun broke into an elaborate jig. “Gold! Gold!” He danced around the alley waving his hands in unfettered jubilation. But the celebration abruptly ended when he bit into the ring. The leprechaun leader suddenly ceased dancing and his expression turned to disappointment. “It be fake,” he exclaimed as he spat the ring onto the alley floor.

  After the other leprechauns let go of me. I picked up the ring off the ground and examined it again. I’m no metallurgy expert but if that wasn’t gold, what the hell was it? “You sure?”

  “As sure as I be a leprechaun.” He placed a sympathetic hand on my shoulder. “Hope ye didn’t spend too many a yard, lad. Your mot be mighty upset if ye be bringing home that little trinket.” His comrades chortled agreement.

  I watched as the leprechauns started gathering up their shillelaghs. Call me insane but despite everything that just happened I wanted to part friends. These little folks inadvertently did me a good turn adding one more clue to all the mysteries surrounding the ring. Besides, I try not to leave behind enemies if I can avoid it.

  I put on my best deflated face and tucked the ring back into my shirt pocket. “Look, why don’t we just call this a big mistake and no hard feelings?” I took out my wallet again. “You guys go find a bar and have the first round on me.”

  The leprechauns sadly cast their eyes downward and shook their heads. “It’s not that we be ungrateful, lad,” their leader explained. “But we be banned from all the pubs and taverns hereabouts.”

  I couldn’t imagine why. “Okay, there’s a Seven Eleven down the street. Why don’t I treat you all to a couple of six packs?”

  The leader licked his lips as we filed out of the alley. “Been too long since I had me a taste o’ the Guinness.”

  Now it was my turn to laugh. “On my budget, Bud will have to do.”

  Bidding the happily inebriated leprechauns goodbye, I decided to change my destination. What bothered me most about the ring was though it looked and felt like gold, it wasn’t. That made it even more puzzling that people would fight over it. I knew an old acquaintance who might help me determine its composition, so I called for an Uber flying carpet and headed out to Pasadena.

  For someone with the reputation of being able to repair anything, Harry’s shop was an old, grime encrusted eyesore spoiling an otherwise genteel neighborhood. The locals once banded together and tried to get Harry to clean up his act but quickly learned the dangers of angering an ogre. Since then, they politely kept their distance.

  Beyond the rusting screen door, Harry’s place was a scrapyard of old abandoned appliances and industrial equipment. As a young man, he trained as a materials engineer but soon found fixing junk more to his liking. It said that people came from as far as Orange County to have the “Miracle Ogre” look over their failing prized possessions. We may live in an age of magic and wonder, but folks still loved their technology.

  I found Harry at his work bench behind three rows of rusting refrigerators. He was squat and massive even by ogre standards. A series of broken stools next to the workbench gave evidence to this. He was sporting the same filthy overalls and undershirt he wore when I first met him years ago. Harry once told me he didn’t change his name after death so why should his clothes be any different. Logic like that’s hard to refute.

  “Hey Harry, got something for you to look at.” I said as I approached the bench.

  He raised his warty face from the tiny watch cradled in his enormous hands. “Can’t you see I’m busy, Elmer? Leave it and I’ll get to it tomorrow.”

  “Oh, but this is something special, even interesting.” I pulled the ring from my pocket and brandished it before him.

  He eyed the trinket quizzically. “Are congratulations in order?”

  “It’s not a gold wedding band,” I told him. “Hell, it’s not even gold.”

  The ogre took the ring, sniffed it then rolled it between his fingers. “Are you sure?”

  “A leprechaun told me.”

  “A leprechaun? I thought Immigration sent those punkers packing a long time ago.” He examined the ring again. “But if there’s one thing those little buggers know, it’s gold.”

  He took me into a back room filled with bright, shiny machines that could weigh, pulverize, and analyze just about anything on earth. This freelance lab was the real source of Harry’s income, the front room merely his passion. “This is going to take a while,” he said as he slipped the ring into an open machine slot. “How about some coffee?”

  We sat by his work bench drinking a rancid brew from grime encrusted mugs. If you wanted to get along with Harry, the first thing you had to learn was to put up with his coffee. “You still in the PI game?” he asked between sips.

  I shrugged. “What else am I good for? What’s new with you? Those guys from Cal Poly still bugging you?”

  The boils on Harry’s face jiggled as he laughed. “Yeah, they still come around every once in a while. Full professorship and all that crap. Sent a few of them back wrapped in wrought iron to make sure they got the point.” He took another sip of coffee and leaned back in his chair. “You know, I still remember that time you brought me that gremlin infested SUV.”

  “You’re not going to make me apologize for that again?”

  A few reminisces later, I noticed the soft sound of approaching hoof beats. In a curved ceiling mirror, I spotted the intruders. Two hobgoblins were quietly sneaking their way down an aisle of outdated computers. Brandishing pitchforks, their slim bodies were aglow with tiny flames as their cloven hooves carefully crept down the walkway. Their horned red faces brimming with malice, I didn’t think they were here about a broken printer. Silently I pointed them out in the mirror to Harry. “I think they’re for you,” he whispered.

  Suddenly, a pitchfork flew through the air, barely missing the ogre and lodging itself in a half dissembled wooden music box on a shelf. “Hey, I worked hours on that!” the ogre exclaimed.

  I saw the attacker pull another pitchfork from his quiver as he split up from his companion. “Give yourselves up and we promise to make it quick and painless,” one of the hobgoblins shouted.

  Not exactly an offer you can’t refuse. “No thanks,” I yelled back. “I’ll stick with defending myself if you don’t mind.”

  “You’ve always attracted an interesting crowd,” Harry said as we ducked behind the workbench. “Remember that cyclopes syndicate?”

  “You’re not going to bring that up again?”

  Harry shrugged. “Just saying.”

  I reached for a lead pipe on the floor, but Harry stopped me. “They’re only hobgoblins,” he told me. “There are far better ways to deal with hell scum like that.” He fished around and brought out the end of a garden hose. Turning the spigot, he aimed a stream of water up the aisle and alternately sprayed each attacker. The hobgoblins screamed in agony as the water hit them. They tried to flee but the wetter they got, the greyer and slower they became. Moments later, two steaming ashen statues stood in their place. Brandishing a ballpeen hammer, Harry ran over and reduced them to dust.

  “Now that that’s over, let’s see about your ring.” Harry left to check the machines in the back room. It was an unusually long wait before he reappeared with the ring, a printout, and a puzzled expression on his face. “I’ve never seen anything like this,” he exclaimed. “The metal’s an entirely unknown composition. It even made the spectrograph go negative at one point. And take a look at this scan. It’s faint but you could see printed circuits and nanoprocessors embedded throughout the interior. Hell, it even radiates an electromagnetic field. It’s not a ring but some kind of machine!”

  “You know any local shops that could have made this?”

  “I don’t know anybody in this world that could have make this.” Harry examined the ring again with fascination. “This has got to be the most advanced piece of technology I’ve ever laid eyes on. Where’d you get it?”

  “Sorry,” I told him. “Client confidentiality.”

  Harry looked at the ring with the expression of a kid holding a newly found puppy. “Can I keep it a while? It wouldn’t be for sale, would it? I’d love to study it.”

  “It’s not mine to give away or sell.” I reached out an open palm and Harry reluctantly handed back the ring.

  “Promise you’ll call me when you’re done with it,” the ogre asked with imploring eyes.

  “You’ll be first on my list,” I assured him.

  Chapter 4

  It was dusk by the time the winged Uber steed arrived at my office building. As it circled for a landing, I noticed a police dragon on the rooftop huddling next to the air conditioner’s exhaust vent for warmth. I seemed to be getting very popular lately, I thought as the Pegasus set down by the entrance. After tossing a tip in my ride’s feedbag, I climbed the steps to find Val at her desk.

  Val raised a finger to her lips then pointed to my office door. “You have a c
op waiting in your office,” she whispered.

  “Yeah, I saw the dragon on the roof,” I whispered. “You wouldn’t believe the night I had.”

  “I followed the whole thing on Facebook. The only thing I can’t believe is that you’re still alive,” Val told me. “On the plus side, it did do a lot to elevate your reputation.”

  “Reputation? I have a reputation?” I pulled the gold band from my shirt pocket and handed it to her.

  “Aren’t you supposed to go down on one knee first?”

  I laughed. “That little trinket is what all the trouble was about last night.”

  “Hardly looks like the One Ring to Rule Them All,” Val said as she examined the band.

  “But in the Darkness, it does bind them. Just keep it out of the good officer’s sight. And while you’re at it, scan the engravings on the inside and see if you can make any sense of them.”

  “I’ll give it a whirl, Boss,” she said pulling a scanning wand out from the desk’s lower drawer. “But you should clean up before you go in. You look like hell.”

  “Always with the compliments.”

  After washing away a day’s sweat and grime in the bathroom sink, I opened my office door to find a hairy policeman sitting in my chair behind my desk. It was incredibly rude, but I decided to let it slide. Now was not the time to start a pissing contest with a werewolf. Lawrence Talbot read the name on his badge. Really? As I took a client’s seat, I wondered how many other Lawrence Talbots were on the LAPD’s payroll. “What can I do for you, officer?”

  Now, there’s no ordinance saying you had to be a werewolf or dragon to join the LAPD but somehow they were the only ones who made it through academy training. I sometimes wondered if they ate the others to thin out the competition. Talbot passed me a tablet displaying the carnage around Gorm’s throne. “What’s missing from this picture?”

  I scanned the image. There were plenty of dead bodies on the dais: priests, worshippers, and even a drained wendigo mercenary but no Gorm. Vlad wasn’t accounted for either.

  “I didn’t kill anybody” I told Talbot. “Armed wendigos…”

  “Yeah yeah, we got all that from the witnesses. But perhaps you can tell me what happened to Gorm’s body.”

  I shrugged. “Beats me. I ran out of there too fast to notice if Gorm ever got up again.”

  “Gods don’t reincarnate like mortals. When they die, they tend to stay dead”. I winced as Talbot vigorously scratched behind his ear. It was going to take a week to get all that fur out of my chair. “Witnesses saw you two arguing before the shooting started. Something about a ring?”

  “Yeah, I was sent to retrieve one but never got it”.

  “Who sent you?”

  “Professional ethics prohibits me from revealing a client’s identity.”

  The policeman pulled back his lips and snarled in frustration. “Well, the priests desperately want it back. They say it has great --“

  I looked at my nails as I finished the sentence. “Sentimental value?”

  Talbot revealed his yellowed fangs. “You’d better be telling the truth. If not, hand it over right now. I’d hate to bring you in on theft and obstruction of justice charges.” He slammed his fist into his palm. “That is if I decide to bring what’s left of you in at all.”

  I rubbed one if my protection amulets for assurance. “My lawyer will take care of your career if you try. Basilisks can be very vindictive in the cause of their clients.” I rose from my chair to signal the end of the meeting. “Now that I’ve answered your questions, I have a business to run. If you need more information, call first.”

  “I’ll be keeping an eye on you.” The werewolf rose from his chair and gave me an unfriendly stare before leaving. As I followed him out, he stopped at Val’s desk, leaned close to the vampire and said, “How about you and me getting together later?” Where was Oscar when you really needed him?

  Val grimaced. “Are you housebroken?”

  Scowling, Talbot angrily stomped out the door.

  “Please tell me he won’t be coming back,” Val said.

  “Not if I can help it.” I turned my attention to her computer screen. It was filled with an assortment of enigmatic algorithms. “Find anything about those markings?”

  “No but then I’ve always had trouble translating gibberish.” She handed me back the ring. “It’s not in any language on any database I can find. It probably won’t work but there’s this new program I’ve read about I’d like to try it out on.”

  “Play with it all you want but don’t spend any personal time. You’ve got to eat at least. Now if you don’t mind, I’d like to catch up on my shuteye.” I retrieved a can of air freshener from the restroom and walked back to my office.

  When I woke, night had fallen and Val was gone. Changing my shirt, I contemplated what to do next. Alvyra could wait for her damn ring. Besides it was standard PI protocol to pad the bill for a day or two.

  As I ran the electric razor over my face, I remembered Harry saying nobody in this world could have made that ring. If true, that left somebody from another world and there was only one place you could find that. But first I needed to work out a plan. My growling stomach demanding attention, I decided to mull things over at dinner.

  I opened the office door to leave and found a witch sitting cross legged in the hallway. I knew she was a witch from her black attire and conical hat hiding her face. She even had a broomstick resting across her lap. You don’t see many traditionalists these days.

  She raised her warty face on hearing me. “Elmer Jones?” she asked.

  “Yeah but who are you?”

  “The name’s Hecate. I’ve been knocking on your door for hours. Where have you been?”

  “Asleep. You should try it sometime. If you didn’t get the point, the office is closed. Come back tomorrow during business hours.”

  “Oh, I’m afraid my business can’t wait,” she said as she rose to her feet. “I’m here for the ring.”

  “Another one?” I shook my head in disbelief. “What’s so goddamn enthralling about this ring?”

  “Don’t ask me. I’m just the hired help,” Hecate said with a shrug. She held out her hand. “The ring, please.”

  Well, at least she was polite. “Sorry, but I’ve got other plans. Now if you’ll excuse me, the ring and I have an engagement elsewhere.”

  From her stern expression, I could tell she didn’t get the joke. “I guess we’ll have to do this the hard way.” Her eyes took on a sickening green glow as she waved her hand in the air. “You will give me the ring.”

  “You’ve been watching Star Wars too many times, sister---“ Suddenly, I was seized by a giant pain in my chest. It quickly radiated out to my limbs and the rest of my body. I tried to scream but my mouth just wouldn’t work.

  “I really don’t enjoy hurting you, Elmer,” Hecate calmly stated as I fell to floor. “But you must give me the ring before the pain will stop.”

  The pain was too intense. I could barely think. I could barely breathe. I lay on the floor praying for death.

  “Just reach in your pocket and give me the ring,” She said softly.

  Somehow my hand had moved to my chest of its own volition. I’ve got to fight this, I told myself as my hand started searching for my shirt pocket.

  “Just give me the ring,” Hecate said. “Resistance is futile.”

  Has it come to this? I thought, fighting the agony. Giving it all up to an unoriginal looking witch with an unoriginal name using unoriginal movie lines. If it didn’t hurt so much, it would be downright embarrassing. “Why don’t you just take it yourself?”

  Coming toward me, Hecate reached down then hesitated. “I promised I wouldn’t touch you.”

  I fought to regain control. Instead of reaching into my shirt pocket, I managed to slip my hand inside my shirt. Gripping the amulets, I prayed something there would work against her magic.

  And it did. Suddenly, Hecate screamed and her eyes burned a brilliant white. The pain abruptly ceased, and I collapsed against the floor tiles in relief.

  Hecate fell against the hallway wall panting. “What the hell was that?”

  “A taste of your own magic.” I said, trying to rise. “Now it’s my turn.”