The Last Living Detective Read online

  Now I’m not big on breaking and entering but considering the physical and legal status of the place, there wasn’t much help for it. I was retrieving my flashlight and a pair of latex gloves from the trunk when I heard the faint buzzing sound return. That’s one love struck grasshopper I told myself as I approached the walkway pavers. But this time the sound didn’t fade away. It grew louder and louder until it was directly overhead. A moment later, a dragonfly the size of a coffee table landed right on the lawn in front of me. As it settled onto the turf, the bug began to vibrate until it became little more than a blur in the flashlight beam. It’s shimmering iridescent wings flashed and whirled until the overgrown insect dissolved into a familiar elven figure.

  “Alvyra?”

  “Alone at last, Mr. Jones.” The elf reached into her neck pouch, pulled out a gun, and pointed it at me. “I see you found Joe’s place.”

  “Let me guess. You’re his girlfriend.”

  “Fiancé.” She glanced at the house and smiled. “Not that I haven’t been engaged before. I still don’t know why but that mining company paid him so well. He was supposed to be just another mark. Eventually I’d get the diamond ring and whatever else I can carry and leave. But instead of a precious stone, I got this.” She tapped the wedding band on her finger.

  I looked around for anything I could use as a weapon but saw none. “I take it you were disappointed.”

  “At first, yes. But if you only knew what this baby can do. It changed everything. The sky’s the limit now.”

  It changed everything? I thought. Now might be a good time to try on the ring myself but the elf would probably shoot me first. If there was any chance of getting out of this alive, I had to keep her talking. “Is that when you decided to rid yourself of Senecka? Who did the honors, you or Gorm?”

  “Gorm of course. What else was the big lug good for? Unfortunately, we didn’t figure on Joe running off with his ring when he Changed. That still left us with only one. At first it was okay. We took turns wearing it but after a while both Gorm and our arrangement got very tedious.”

  “Is that where the Foundation comes in?”

  “You’re trying to buy time, Mr. Jones,” the elf stated with a laugh. “That’s alright. We have all night and after all the work you put in, you’re entitled to some answers. Well, Joe had often hinted there were more of these things. I remember him telling me about this vampire literature professor he palled around with at the mining company. By the time the detective I hired had tracked him down--” She stopped to make the sign of the tentacle. “—the professor was killed in a “sunlight accident” and left all his worldly belongings to the Strigoi Foundation. On the inventory list was a gold wedding band even though he’d never been married. That’s when I knew we found our second ring.”

  I tried to scratch my nose but Alvyra menacingly waved the gun. “Just keep your hands where I can see them, and we’ll get along fine.”

  So much for getting to the ring. Note to self: invent bullet proof amulet. “But after you two split up, why’d you need his ring?”

  “Oh, you know how it is. New lifestyle, new boyfriend— “

  Just then, I heard another flapping of wings and a dark feminine figure fell from the sky onto Alvyra. Sprawled on the ground, she held the elf down as she bit deeply into her neck. Alvyra valiantly tried to fight off her attacker but it wasn’t long before the elf ceased struggling.

  I grabbed the flashlight and gasped when I saw the vampire’s face. “Val! What are you doing here?”

  My assistant raised her blood-stained face and smiled. “Protecting my paycheck.” She tried to get up but somehow couldn’t. “After seeing what you went through the last few nights, I decided someone had to watch out for you. So, I reached out to my inner bat and followed you here. It wasn’t hard. You drive slower than my grandmother.” Val stumbled as she again struggled unsuccessfully to stand. “It’s been a long time since I had the Real Thing,” she said in a slurred voice.

  I’ve heard about blood intoxication in vampires but never actually witnessed it before. “But she’s an elf not a mortal.”

  “Yeah but that bitch sure packs a wallop.”

  I wasn’t sure what the band did yet, but I was concerned it was still on Alvyra’s finger. “As long as you’re down there, you mind handing me that ring?”

  “Sure thing, Boss.” She tugged unsuccessfully at the ring several times then sighed and bit off the finger. A moment later she spat out the trinket, handed it to me, and happily continued sucking on the severed digit.

  “You really have to do that?” I asked.

  “Can’t help it, I skipped lunch.” She managed to get up and stumble over to me. Collapsing into my arms, she laid her head on my shoulder and muttered, “You know if you weren’t such a mortal, I’d…”

  It was then that I noticed the corpse was changing. Alvyra was getting taller and her complexion was losing its greenish elfin patina.

  Val saw it too. “Jesus H. Nosferatu, she’s a pink!”

  I looked again at the corpse. With her dress torn apart by the sudden growth spurt, she was now obviously human. But small hairy spikes were beginning to sprout all over her body. “I think she’s Changing,” I told Val.

  Holding up the drunken vampire, I watched as the metamorphosis unfolded. Alvyra began to shrink again. Her torso broadened out as the skin grew a covering of thick black carapace. The head became rounder but still retained her human features. Two extra appendages grew from both her sides. A moment later, she crawled out from beneath her torn dress.

  “I’m a spiderwoman!” Alvyra exclaimed as she examined a hinged arm. “You sons of bitches made me a spiderwoman! You’ll pay for this.”

  The creature rose up on its eight legs and opened its mandibles to reveal rows of needle sharp teeth. Howling in defiance, it was ready to attack when a large hairy foot came out of the darkness and squashed her beneath its heel.

  I aimed the flashlight up and saw a huge yeti standing before us. “You always were a bitch, Alvyra,” the white ape said in a familiar voice as he examined the crushed remains.

  “Gorm?” I tried to shove Val behind me, but she wouldn’t cooperate.

  The creature nodded its massive head as a grin flowed across his shaggy face. “That’s what I used to be called. Guess I’ll have to think up a new name now. I knew Alvyra would come back here sooner or later so I waited for her in the house. I saw and heard the whole thing.” He jutted out a massive paw to me. “I’ll take my ring back if you don’t mind. In fact, I’m feeling especially greedy tonight. I’ll take them both off your hands.”

  Suddenly there was a swishing sound and the yeti’s head flew from his body. As the decapitated ape crumbled to the ground. I raised my flashlight and saw Vlad Alucard brandishing a gleaming broadsword in his place.

  “Sometimes old school is best,” Vlad said eyeing the body. “Maybe he’ll stay dead this time. I was hoping you’d bring the ring back to me, but all my management courses taught me to always keep a backup plan.”

  Val sleepily roused. “Boss, if you’re throwing a party, how come you didn’t invited me?”

  “You’re not the only gatecrasher,” I told her as she faded off again. “How did you find this place?” I asked Alucard.

  “I just followed your assistant.” Vlad wiped the sword clean with the edge of his jacket. “She’s right about your driving, you know.”

  With all these people flying after me, some air traffic controller must be having a fit. “I take it you want to bring the rings back to the Foundation.”

  “Hell no! Those rings are worth a fortune. It would be a waste to have them gathering dust in a vault when they could be actively supporting my new lifestyle.” Vlad raised his sword. “Sorry about this but I can’t leave witnesses behind to tattle.”

  But as Vlad stepped forward the pointy end of a bloodied wooden stake sprouted from his chest. The vampire fell face first to the ground and the hirsute form of Officer Talbot took his place.

  “Yay, the cops are here,” Val mumbled as she tried to stay on her feet.

  The policeman walked over to Alvyra’s crushed remains and shook his head. “Too bad. You know this was her idea from the start. Get some poor dumb detective to do all the heavy lifting and we’d take care of him after he recovered the ring. I even sent those incompetent wendigos and hobgoblins on your trail just to hedge our bet. Seems mercenaries don’t take much pride in their work anymore.”

  “You forgot about the witch.”

  Talbot looked genuinely puzzled. “Witch? What witch?”

  I sighed. Another mystery left to resolve. “I take it you’re the new boyfriend.”

  “You could call me that.” He again eyed the remains of the spiderwoman. “Maybe it’s all for the best. She was a great lay, but I knew I’d have to get rid of her eventually.” He unholstered his sidearm. “Well, me and Vlad agree on at least one thing. No witnesses.”

  My eyes swept the lawn for Alvyra’s gun, but it was too far away for me to make it.

  Val roused again and noticed the armed werewolf. “I’ve got an idea, Boss,” she muttered sleepily. “Why don’t we throw a stick and see if he fetches.”

  Talbot scowled. “Lady, the way you were flying you’re lucky I didn’t write you a ticket.” He stepped over the headless yeti and retrieved the wooden stake jutting from Vlad’s chest. Hefting it in his paw, he said, “Hate to admit it but I’m really going to enjoy this.”

  Suddenly there came a strange high-pitched voice from behind the policeman. “Officer Lawrence Talbot, you’re under arrest for murder. Surrender your weapon and give yourself up.”

  The werewolf snarled furiously. “You traitor!” Talbot turned but it was too late as a ball of fire immediately engulfed the police officer. The werewolf lasted only a few steps before he fell to the ground and expired. Then a police dragon stepped into the light of the burning werewolf.

  “Another one?” Val said as she raised her head from my shoulder. “Boss, are you holding a convention?”

  The dragon incredulously surveyed the carnage around him and shook his head.

  “We’re doing Hamlet,” Val told him.

  I tried yet again unsuccessfully to get Val behind me. “I suppose you want the rings.”

  The dragon scanned the bodies again and shook his head. “No thanks. After what I’ve just seen, those things are nothing but trouble.”

  From the badge on his chest I discerned his name was Eragon Flame. “But Officer Flame, won’t you need them for your report.”

  “There’s never going to be a report. You don’t know what it was like. Flying here to collect a bribe, flying there to shake down some ambrosia dealer, that asshole rode my wings ragged with his corrupt schemes. I guess I was just waiting for the right moment to be rid of him.” He viciously spat a short trail of fire at the smoldering werewolf. “I quit!”

  “So, what do you do now?” I asked.

  Flame’s undersized claws fiddled with the fastenings of his police harness. “I’m going to do what I should have done a long time ago. Go home.” The dragon dropped his harness and happily spread his wings in the moonlight. “If you’re ever in Rim Forest look me up.” With that he flew off into the night sky.

  I turned to the inebriated vampire on my arm. “Come on, let’s get you inside.”

  “Boss, you sure know how to show a girl a good time,” Val slurred as we awkwardly stumbled up the walkway.

  ‘I think we’ve both had enough good times for one night.”

  Val smiled sheepishly. “You realize we’re never going to get paid for this?”

  “That’s alright. She left a retainer.”

  Chapter 6

  Someone had already ransacked the house long ago. Broken furniture and belongings were flung everywhere. I cleared the ripped pillows from the half intact couch and laid Val down on it. Wiping the blood from her face with a found washcloth, Val responded to my tender ministrations by turning over and snoring.

  I began my search in the office. A rectangle of thinner dust demarked where Senecka’s computer once proudly resided. Books, pens, and printed papers were haphazardly scattered across the floor. A fallen cracked photo showed Senecka smiling in front of a boarded up mine entrance in a desert hillside. The upper plank displayed a hand carved sign: END TIMES MINE. Somehow, I didn’t think it was his hobby.

  My exploration of the rest of the house was equally fruitless. I checked inside and behind drawers, in and above closets, and behind and beneath every intact appliance in the house but there were no notes or data discs to be found. Giving up I started knocking on the living room walls.

  “Boy am I hung over,” Val said as she sat up on the couch. “Do you have to bang so loudly?”

  “I’m looking for a safe or a secret hiding place,” I told her.

  She shook her head in disbelief. “Some detective you are. You’re dealing with a geek not a criminal mastermind. Where’s the office?”

  I led her to the computer room. She slowly scanned the rubble on the floor. “I’ve already searched in here,” I told her.

  Val ignored me and picked up a loose pen, unscrewed it and threw it on the desktop. She repeated the process again and again until she gleefully handed me a half pen. “I think this is what you’re looking for.”

  I examined the plastic piece and found a USB plug jutting out from its open end. “Well. I’ll be damned.”

  “No, you’ll be not geek savvy.” Val examined the rest of the pens but found nothing more.

  “Let’s get out of here.” I told her. “Daylight’s coming and somebody’s bound to notice all those bodies on the front lawn,”

  In a cheap motel room a few freeway exits away from the Senecka house, Val sat on one bed slowly sipping a carton of goat’s blood while I was parked on the other picking over the remains of something pretending to be pizza. Fighting her hangover, Val was frantically entering passwords into her smartphone. “If I had my laptop, I’d have broken this flash drive by now.”

  “Try Alvyra,” I said as I fought down the rest of my slice.

  She typed into her phone and smiled. “Wow Boss, it worked.”

  “You’re not the only one who knows geek around here.”

  Val spent a good twenty minutes examining the flash drive’s contents. “Whew, this is the worst excuse for a language I’ve ever seen. Past, present and future tenses don’t even look alike. And don’t get me started on these insane prepositions. This is like a dialect designed by people with brain infarcts. Oh well. time to go low tech.” She took a notepad from the motel night stand then asked for the rings. Holding the ring in front of her, she went to the dresser mirror,.

  “If you’re looking for your reflection, you’re going to be sorely disappointed,” I told her.

  “The glyphs need to be reversed to be legible. That’s how bat shit crazy this language is.”

  I faked an outraged look. “Bat shit crazy?”

  Val laughed. “It doesn’t count when I say it.” Painstakingly she deciphered the engravings using the pen. “It says, ‘If found please return to the Celestial Mining Company’ and gives a PO box in Dry Well, Nevada. It’s the same on both rings.”

  I shook my head. “Who says romance is dead?”

  Val held up a gold band to her eye. “What do you say we try them on?”

  The idea was tempting but something stopped me. I think it was my sanity. “Too risky. We still don’t know how they work.” I shoved the pizza box into the waste basket. “Looks like my next stop is Dry Well. Can you make it back to the office on your own?”

  Val’s face almost turned red. “After all we went through last night, you’re going to ditch me now?”

  “It could be dangerous, Val. I’d never forgive myself if something happened to you.”

  Val angrily slammed her fist into the mattress, “And I’ll never forgive you if you won’t let me see this through to the end. I’m a grown vampire and I don’t need your permission. I’m coming along even if I have fly all the way to Dry Well.”

  I could see this was one argument I was never going to win. “Okay, I surrender,” I said throwing my hands in the air. “But unlike you vampires, us mortals need sleep from time to time. When I get up, I’ll rent some supplies and we’ll leave tonight.”

  Val flashed me her fangs in the best possible way as she picked up her cellphone. “Give me a list and I’ll find them while you’re asleep.”

  Dawn was breaking as I took the gravel turnoff into Dry Well. The rising sun painted the desert hills and plains in multiple hues of crimson and yellow. In the passenger seat, Val fidgeted while putting on her black burka. “I’ve always hated these things.”

  “Sorry but with all that spelunking equipment in back there wasn’t room for a coffin.”

  “Coffin”? Val sputtered. “Another racist remark like that and I just might bite you!”.

  I shrugged. “Isn’t ‘biting’ a racial stereotype?”

  “Not when it comes from a vampire.” Val spread out the burka for display. “Hey Boss, you think this makes me look fat?”

  I laughed. “I’m not falling for that one. You only have to put up with it for another hour before we get to Dry Well.”

  “Last time I travel economy class.” She glanced at her smartphone. “Oh look. Yelp gives the town minus four stars.”

  “We’re not going as tourists. I need to find who made those rings if I’m ever going to put this business behind me.”

  “I feel the same way.” Val smiled.” I guess I’m as ‘bat shit crazy’ as you are.”

  To call the municipality of Dry Well small would be an understatement. A gas station, a quickie mart, and a hotel/casino that had seen better days were all the amenities the town had to offer. A handful of abandoned and boarded up buildings lined the main street, separated by swaths of sand from the scattered tiny residences of the locals.